If Only
by Symphonic Fantasia
Summary: It was a secret that she liked him. It was just as much of a secret as he liked her. Secret Santa gift for Halidom.


**Author's Notes: Dear lord, this took me forever. I could have gone with something cute. Instead, I needed angst. I never really did a ClairexCarter fic. It felt nice to do. I hope you like it, Halidom!  
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**Disclaimer: I don't own anything, blah blah, you know the drill.**

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Although she knew she was suppose to be praying, she couldn't help herself as she stared at the priest. The words he spoke and their meaning never reached her ears. Only the sound of his voice and his appearance was all she took in. The way he spoke with such love and affection for the Harvest Goddess. She wondered how he would sound if it was her that he was speaking about instead. Would his voice be filled with love and care? Or would he simply talk about her as if she was another villager? Yes, it was true that that was all she was to him, but was she wrong to one day hope for something more? Or was that considered a sin?

If it was, then Claire didn't care.

The sermon ended and one by one, the other villagers of Mineral Town left. She remained in her seat as she waited for them all to leave. When they were gone, she stood up slowly and walked up to the podium. "Amazing as always, Carter."

Carter smiled his usual smile. It never faltered. "Thank you, Claire. I hope you enjoyed it."

She smiled. She couldn't tell him that she wasn't paying attention. "Of course I did! How could I not?"

He chuckled and ran a hand up and down the book he carried. "I'm glad. Was there something else you wanted to speak to me about?"

Opening her mouth, she quickly closed it again. If she had the courage, she would let loose her emotions now. She didn't, though. If she did, who knows how he would react. Someone could be listening and it'll be spread all around town. She couldn't endure that kind of embarrassment and shame. Everyone would look at her differently if they knew. These were the scenarios that played in her head every moment of every day. She wished they didn't, but it didn't hurt to think about them. Thinking of it again, it did hurt in a way: it hurt her heart. Grumbling, she ran a hand through her hair.

"It's nothing…"

The priest tilted his head to the side. Usually Claire was all about talking to him. When she had something to say (which was every day), he looked forward to her visits. At times, he would feel just the smallest hint of loneliness when he sat alone in the church. Sometimes the children of the village would come by and he would watch over them as they played, but they didn't come by every day. Not like Claire.

So, when Claire had nothing to say, it concerned him. Not only that, it saddened him. It was a clear sign that she wouldn't be around for long today. "I see."

Fingering the straps of her rucksack, she gave him a smile. "Well, I gotta go. See you tomorrow!"

Tomorrow… He wouldn't be able to see her until tomorrow. This made the knot in his stomach clench even worse and his throat immediately dried up. "Until tomorrow then. May the Goddess bless you." With sad eyes, he watched as Claire left the church, her sun blonde hair disappearing into bright daylight. Sighing heavily, he leaned forward on the podium. This was going to be a long day.

Before he met Claire, he had always been able to pay attention to her sermons and the confessions he heard from the villagers. Now, he could hardly pay attention to anything at all. The sermon he had just done was one of the most difficult things he had to ever do. He could see Claire staring at him. It was easier when she wasn't. Carter could pretend that she was someone from out of town who only wanted to hear his word of the Harvest Goddess.

This Sunday was different and she didn't cease staring at him. He battled with his conflicting emotions and did his level best to keep on task. When it was over, he felt a bit of relief. No longer had he any fear that he would announce the care and love he felt for the farmer on the other side of town.

Why couldn't there be a confessional for priests? He could really use one at the moment.

Carter loved Claire just as much as he loved the Harvest Goddess, if not more. If he had met her before he made his vows to be a priest, he had no doubts that he would have married her. He knew that he must be at least six to ten years older than her, he would still do it. He would guarantee that he would give her a happy life and do his best to support her and himself. It didn't matter what he had to do, he would do it. He could be a carpenter or a farmer. He would learn the lay of the land and help her restore the farm that she had inherited.

This didn't happen, though. Instead, he was a priest and she arrived in his life years after he had become one. If he could turn back time, he would. Since he couldn't, he had to live with the fact that they could never have a life together without him leaving his priesthood. This was something that he couldn't do, no matter how much he loved Claire.

This was the way it had to be.


End file.
